Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight! $1.00 a pound. and simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?", to which the man responded, "Ten pounds". The voice replied, "Very well, put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning".
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me you can screw me'.
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen and all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!". He did just that and was
amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?", to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds". "Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "Put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning".
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating 'If you catch me you can screw me'.
The chase took a while longer this time but the man finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!", he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?". "Fifty pounds!", the
man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?", the voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time". The overweight man replied, "My checks already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning", and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stateing, 'If I catch you I'm going to screw you'
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Lawak sebelum raye
Tersebutlah kisah di negeri entah-berantah seorang saudagar bongkak yang mempunyai seekor kuda yang sangat kuat. Pada suatu hari terlintaslah di hati saudagar ni untuk nak "ek" akan kekuatan kudanya.So...diadakanlah pertandingan...siapa yang dapat membuat kudanya duduk akan diberikan 500,000 dinar emas...
Maka pada hari yang ditetapkan, berduyunlah orang datang untuk mencuba nasib. Nak dipendekkan cerita, sampai ke senja takde siapapun yang dapat mendudukkan kuda tersebut...tiba-tiba datang seorang budak pegi kat belakang kuda tu dan tup-tup, terus terduduk kuda tu...maka bersoraklah orang ramai dan terbeliaklah mata saudagar...."Hoi, budak apa kau buat kat kuda aku ah?"...budak tu pun menjawab "Saya jentik telur..."
Saudagar tak puas hati...maka diadakan pula pertandingan...siapa boleh membuat kudanya menggeleng kepala akan dihadiahkan 1,000,000 dinar emas!!!
Maka nak dipendekkan cerita, sampai ke senjalah orang mencuba tapi tak boleh...tiba-tiba muncullah budak tadi dengan BMW Roadsternya...(baru
menang setengah juta beb...). Dengan penuh suspennya, saudagar dan orang ramai memerhatikan sambil budak tersebut dengan selambanya pergi dan
membisikkan sesuatu di telinga kuda itu...dan kuda menggelengkan kepalanya...maka riuhlah malam dengan sorakan orang ramai dan kali ini giliran saudagar pula terduduk..."Wahai budak apa pula yang kau cakap pada kudaku itu?" Sambil tersenyum, budak itu menjawab...
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"Nak kena jentik lagi?..."
Maka pada hari yang ditetapkan, berduyunlah orang datang untuk mencuba nasib. Nak dipendekkan cerita, sampai ke senja takde siapapun yang dapat mendudukkan kuda tersebut...tiba-tiba datang seorang budak pegi kat belakang kuda tu dan tup-tup, terus terduduk kuda tu...maka bersoraklah orang ramai dan terbeliaklah mata saudagar...."Hoi, budak apa kau buat kat kuda aku ah?"...budak tu pun menjawab "Saya jentik telur..."
Saudagar tak puas hati...maka diadakan pula pertandingan...siapa boleh membuat kudanya menggeleng kepala akan dihadiahkan 1,000,000 dinar emas!!!
Maka nak dipendekkan cerita, sampai ke senjalah orang mencuba tapi tak boleh...tiba-tiba muncullah budak tadi dengan BMW Roadsternya...(baru
menang setengah juta beb...). Dengan penuh suspennya, saudagar dan orang ramai memerhatikan sambil budak tersebut dengan selambanya pergi dan
membisikkan sesuatu di telinga kuda itu...dan kuda menggelengkan kepalanya...maka riuhlah malam dengan sorakan orang ramai dan kali ini giliran saudagar pula terduduk..."Wahai budak apa pula yang kau cakap pada kudaku itu?" Sambil tersenyum, budak itu menjawab...
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"Nak kena jentik lagi?..."
Jokes mat salleh I - Misc
Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake,maintained a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake,"
she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
==========================================================================
MENTAL !
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, John went swimming and got into difficulties. David jumped in and saved him. The medical director came to know of this heroic act.
Doctor: We have good news for you and also bad news for you David. The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses since you are able to jump and save another patient. The bad news is the patient whom you had saved was found hanging in the toilet.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I'm sure of that because I hung him there to dry.
==========================================================================
IDENTITY BLUES!
Whilst enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.
To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No,
silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he
then?" demands the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, ... "That's me before the operation."
she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
==========================================================================
MENTAL !
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, John went swimming and got into difficulties. David jumped in and saved him. The medical director came to know of this heroic act.
Doctor: We have good news for you and also bad news for you David. The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses since you are able to jump and save another patient. The bad news is the patient whom you had saved was found hanging in the toilet.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I'm sure of that because I hung him there to dry.
==========================================================================
IDENTITY BLUES!
Whilst enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.
To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No,
silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he
then?" demands the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, ... "That's me before the operation."
Lawak bangsat Pak Pandir
nak dijadikan cerita..suatu hari pak pandir melalui satu lorong yang kecik semasa hendak pulang ke rumahnye..entah macam mana..di
tengah perjalanannye tadi dia terjumpe seketul taik yang masih panas..tapi dia tu masih konpius sama ada betul ke bende yang dia jumpe tu
seketul taik..
oleh kerana kemusykilan yang teramat sangat tu...pak pandir ambil keputusan untuk mengkaji sampel najis berkenaan..
pak pandir menghampirkan hidungnye ke taik tersebut...lalu dia berkata.. "bentuk macam taik"..
lepas tu dia pegang pulak taik tu..lalu dia berkata.."lembik...macam taik"
lepas tu dia ambik sikit taik tu lalu dia hidu taik tu...lepas tu dia berkata.."bau macam taik"..
oleh kerana pak pandir ni masih ragu-ragu dengan taik tu lalu dia pun mengambil keptusan untuk mejilat sedikit taik tersebut...sebaik
sahaja dia menjilat taik berkenaan dia pun menjerit..."MEMANG TAIK..NASIB BAIK AKU TAK TERPIJAK"..
tengah perjalanannye tadi dia terjumpe seketul taik yang masih panas..tapi dia tu masih konpius sama ada betul ke bende yang dia jumpe tu
seketul taik..
oleh kerana kemusykilan yang teramat sangat tu...pak pandir ambil keputusan untuk mengkaji sampel najis berkenaan..
pak pandir menghampirkan hidungnye ke taik tersebut...lalu dia berkata.. "bentuk macam taik"..
lepas tu dia pegang pulak taik tu..lalu dia berkata.."lembik...macam taik"
lepas tu dia ambik sikit taik tu lalu dia hidu taik tu...lepas tu dia berkata.."bau macam taik"..
oleh kerana pak pandir ni masih ragu-ragu dengan taik tu lalu dia pun mengambil keptusan untuk mejilat sedikit taik tersebut...sebaik
sahaja dia menjilat taik berkenaan dia pun menjerit..."MEMANG TAIK..NASIB BAIK AKU TAK TERPIJAK"..
ALLAH SWT's 24 Hr Customer Service Line (Toll Free)
Assalamu’alaikum wrt
Sumbangan saudara Mohd Yusri Yaacob.
Silakanlah.......
Kalau dibaca dan difkir-fikirkan, pasti anda fahami coretan email dibawah punya hikmah yang amat besar erti dan manfaatnya. Luangkanlah masa untuk membaca dan memikirkannya.
Assalaamu'alaikum, Saudara-saudariku.
Pernahkah Anda bayangkan bila pada saat kita berdoa, kita mendengar ini:
Terima kasih, Anda telah menghubungi Baitullah".
Tekan 1 untuk 'meminta'.
Tekan 2 untuk 'mengucap syukur'.
Tekan 3 untuk 'mengeluh'.
Tekan 4 untuk 'permintaan lainnya'."
Atau....
Bagaimana jika Malaikat memohon maaf seperti ini:
"Saat ini semua malaikat sedang membantu pelanggan lain. Tetaplah sabar menunggu. Panggilan Anda akan dijawab berdasarkan urutannya."
Atau, pernahkah Anda bayangkan bila pada saat berdoa, Anda mendapat respons seperti ini:
"Jika Anda ingin berbicara dengan Malaikat,
Tekan 1. Dengan Malaikat Mikail,
Tekan 2. Dengan malaikat lainnya,
Tekan 3. Jika Anda ingin mendengar sari tilawah saat Anda menunggu,
Tekan 4. "Untuk jawapan pertanyaan tentang hakikat syurga & neraka, silahkan tunggu sampai Anda tiba di sini!!"
Atau mungkin juga Anda mendengar ini :
Sistem kami menunjukkan bahawa Anda telah satu kali menelefon hari ini.
Silakan
atau...
Pejabat ini ditutup pada hujung minggu. Sila hubungi semula pada hari Isnin selepas pukul 9 pagi."
Alhamdulillah.
Anda hanya perlu untuk memanggilnya bila-bila saja dan Dia mendengar anda.
Kerana bila memanggil Allah,tidak akan pernah mendapat talian sibuk. Allah menerima setiap panggilan dan mengetahui siapa pemanggilnya secara peribadi.
Ketika Anda memanggil-Nya, sila gunakan nombor utama ini:
24434
2 : solat Subuh
4 : solat Zuhur
4 : solat Asar
Atau untuk lebih sempurna dan lebih banyak afdhalnya, gunakan nombor ini
28443483
2 : solat Subuh
8 : solat Dhuha
4 : solat Zuhur
4 : solat Asar
3 : solat Maghrib
4 : solat Isya
8 : Solat Tahajjud atau lainnya
3 : Solat Witir
Maklumat terperinci terdapat di Buku Telefon berjudul "Al Qur'anul Karim & Hadith Rasul"
Talian terus , tanpa Operator tanpa Perantara, tanpa Bil.
Nombor 24434 dan 28443483 ini memiliki jumlah talian hunting yang tak terhingga dan dibuka 24 jam sehari 7 hari seminggu 365 hari setahun!!!
Sebarkan maklumat ini kepada orang-orang di sekeliling kita. Mana tahu mungkin mereka sedang memerlukannya.
Sabda Rasulullah S.A.W : "Barang siapa hafal tujuh kalimat, ia terpandang mulia di sisi Allah dan Malaikat serta diampuni dosa- dosanya walau sebanyak buih laut"
7 Kalimah ALLAH:
1. Mengucap "Bismillah" pada tiap-tiap hendak melakukan sesuatu.
2. Mengucap "Alhamdulillah" pada tiap-tiap selesai melakukan sesuatu.
3. Mengucap "Astaghfirullah" jika lidah terselip perkataan yang tidak patut.
4. Mengucap "Insya-Allah" jika merencanakan berbuat sesuatu di hari esok.
5. Mengucap "La haula wala kuwwata illa billah" jika menghadapi sesuatu tak disukai dan tak diingini.
6. Mengucap "inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun" jika menghadapi dan menerima musibah.
7. Mengucap "La ilaha illa Allah Muhammad Rasulullah" sepanjang siang dan malam sehingga tak terpisah dari lidahnya.
Dari tafsir Hanafi, mudah-mudahan ingat, walau lambat-lambat.
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