Jokes mat salleh II - Weight Loss

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight! $1.00 a pound. and simply listed a telephone number.

Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?", to which the man responded, "Ten pounds". The voice replied, "Very well, put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning".

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me you can screw me'.

Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen and all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!". He did just that and was
amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?", to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds". "Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "Put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning".

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating 'If you catch me you can screw me'.

The chase took a while longer this time but the man finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

"This is fantastic!", he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?". "Fifty pounds!", the
man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?", the voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time". The overweight man replied, "My checks already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning", and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stateing, 'If I catch you I'm going to screw you'

Jokes mat salleh I - Misc

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake,maintained a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake,"

she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

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MENTAL !
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, John went swimming and got into difficulties. David jumped in and saved him. The medical director came to know of this heroic act.

Doctor: We have good news for you and also bad news for you David. The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses since you are able to jump and save another patient. The bad news is the patient whom you had saved was found hanging in the toilet.

David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I'm sure of that because I hung him there to dry.

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IDENTITY BLUES!
Whilst enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.
To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No,
silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he
then?" demands the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, ... "That's me before the operation."